When asked by Conan if his daughters had smart phones, comedian Louis CK explained that he had successfully fended them off by simply replying. “No, you can’t have it. It is bad for you.”
He instantly became my hero as I was mired in difficult negotiations with my ten-year-old daughter over one. And frankly, she was winning. Was it possible to say no to my daughter, as CK suggested? I hadn’t even known I was allowed to, if the guinea pigs, the dogs, and things for her doll Molly were any indication. CK rationalized, “I am not raising the children. I’m raising the grown-ups that they are going to be. So just because the other stupid kids have phones doesn’t mean that my kid has to be stupid.” Now I knew I didn’t want my kid to grow up stupid like her friends. I needed to explain this to her. This is what CK told Conan and me.
Cell phones are “toxic, especially for kids,” he said, because they don’t help them learn empathy, one of the nicer human emotions. When we text, we don’t see or hear a visceral reaction. The response we get is cold and hard text-message. “Why are kids mean?” He asked. “Because they’re trying it out. They look at another kid and say, ‘You’re fat’. Then they see the kid’s face scrunch up and think that doesn’t feel good.” Texting “you’re fat” allows you to bypass the pain.
CK went on to explain that smart phones rob us of our ability to be alone. Kids use smart phones to occupy their time: Must text! Must play game! Must look up more tiny socks online for Molly! CK asked, what happened to zoning out? After all, one of the joys of being human is allowing our minds to wander, with cell phones, kids are always preoccupied. They never daydream, except in class. And here’s something else we’re missing: our right to be miserable. This was a right I hadn’t realized I desired until CK pointed out that it’s another essential human emotion.
CK gave the example of driving by yourself and suddenly realizing that you’re alone. Not “Oh, guess I can’t use the lane” alone. Dark, brooding sadness causes so many drivers to grab that smart phone and reach out to another living soul.
“Everybody’s murdering each other with their cars” as they text because they dread being alone. Too bad—they’re missing out on a life-affirming experience.
“I was in my car one time, and Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Jungle land’ came on. He sounds so far away. It made me really sad. And I think, I’ve got to get the phone and write hi to 50 people. I was reaching for the phone, and I thought, don’t! Just be sad.”
So CK pulled over and allowed himself to sob like a little girl denied a nice thing for her American Girl doll. “It was beautiful. Sadness is poetic. You’re lucky to live sad moments,” he said. Because he didn’t fight it and allowed himself to be miserable, his body released endorphins. “Happiness rushed in to meet the sadness. I was grateful to feel sad, and then I met it with true profound happiness. The thing is, because we don’t want that first bit of sad, we push it away with that little phone. So you never feel completely sad or completely happy. You just feel kind of satisfied. And then you die. That’s why I don’t want to get phones for my kids”.
And I suppose I don’t either.
